Made To Be Monster's
by JJBluebell
Summary: I'd come to accept my life as a Patient and a Killer, I was fine with it, it'd been my life for to long not to be, but it was all ruined the day he came; with his bushy eyebrows, sexy glasses, soul swallowing eyes and utter understanding and acceptance. He changed everything, he changed me...made me his without trying, or maybe he was, but no one was going to take him away from me.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey all, so I recently got into AHS and am I really the only one who wanted to just hug Oliver… yes! Because I'm twisted, but hey I'm cool with it.**

**Anyway I hope you enjoy and review**

**JJ X x**

He shouldn't have even been there… I think I hate him a little for that, for finally coming home. I still to this day remember the way he looked at me, like an owner that returned to find the cat eating next doors rabbit and I don't know why he seemed so afraid because he knew I'd never hurt him, for god's sake he's my Nate, my big brother!

"Nate, your home!" I ran up to hold him but he backed away and that hurt, it really hurt, even as those big blue eyes of his looking over at me, the already crusting crimson in my snowy blonde curls and ruining my favorite blue dress, it broke my heart to throw it out but the staining was to deep.

I didn't even realize I had blood smudged over my face, but I could feel the sharp ache a fresh blood pulsed from the right of my neck, the long piece of glass still cemented into the tender creamy flesh "Nate… are you mad?"

But he wasn't looking at me anymore; he was looking at the mangled bodies behind me strewn across the living room floor "Mari, what the fuck have you done?"

I couldn't help the bitter rage as my heart slammed furiously against my chest and a scream ripped burned my lungs "IT'S THIER FAULT!"

That was the last time I saw him, he wasn't even at my trial… I hated us both for that.

It's been seven years since that night, seven years to separate me from that fifteen year old girl who heartlessly butchered three people with a smile on her face, but the truth is I'm still that girl, maybe I always was and no matter how hard they try to beat the devil out of me, they can't, because he isn't there… if he was then maybe I'd have someone half decent to talk to.

All day people had been fussing over our new addition, Bloody Face himself… we'd all heard about him obviously, skinning and beheading women, but hey we all have our kinks right. I remember as he walked into the Day Room, not that hard to spot a new face in this place, he didn't look like a killer, but few ever did. In fact he reminded me of Nate just a little, same build, height, same big scared doe eyes… but eye color, the hair and complexion was all wrong, still as the fight broke out reacted on instinct, rushing past the cheering crowd and kicking Spivey clean in the face and off the newbie, not watching wipe shocked at the no doubt broken nose. I moved to help the boy, a need to fix up the cuts and kiss them better, but the whistle blew…

I felt bad for him when they marched him off to solitary, but said nothing, in this place you learn to do as your told and I have seven years' worth of lessons.

But the boy was just the catalyst, the link that made it all possible… they both where. If I'd have known what would come later I'd have gutted that bitch the moment she'd passed me in the hall earlier that morning, or more Sister Jude forcing her out, but I didn't know, how could I? In fact I thought she was quite glamorous, not as pretty as me though… if only I'd known.

That day had carried on without much change; it wasn't until the next morning that the ball got rolling, I knew I had to be mistaken about what I'd seen at room check last night, because that reporter woman was there, but it couldn't have been her… could it?

It was my fault, I'd rounded the corner into the Day Room and slammed right into him, to lost in the creeping uncertainty of what I saw "oh gosh I'm so sorry, I wasn't looking…"

"No please, I was walking and reading, careless really." The voice was deep and soft, but with a sharp edge and when I looked up, past those thick black rims and into those chocolate swirls, papers in hand, my breath caught onto my lungs and refused to let go.

"Are you alright?" he smiled nimbly down at me in my worn pink pajamas because even with both of us kneeling he was still ridiculously taller than me.

I feel the blush burning my pale cheeks, not many had asked me that question, cared enough to ask so I beamed up at him "just peachy… oh no."

He didn't flinch as I reached for his hand, so much bigger than my own, and finding a long thin slash through his thumb, blood pooling out and the stranger groaned in pain "damn paper cut."

I didn't let go of his bleeding appendage as I all but dragged him over to the nearest chair that wasn't near Loopy Lacy, girl thinks she's a damn vampire "Come over here. Harry could you be a peach and get the first aid kit please."

The guard turns to get the case from the well secured lock-box and rushes to hand it over with a small tilt of his head, all the while the handsome stranger protests but I crouch before him with a quick thanks to Harry as he insists "Really it's not necessary."

He looks almost nervous about it as I open up the box, maybe about the fact a guard just merrily jumped when a patient asked him to or that said patient had a box of needles and pins while holding his already pleading hand "Now don't be silly, it looks a little deep and it could get infected; now we don't what that do we?"

I stand in front of him, hands on hips and watch his Adams Apple bob while he stares at me in mild awe and suspicion before admitting defeat with a silent nod. I clean the blood and wound the best I can with the shitty supplies, humming lightly before asking "you're a new face, lots of those lately… what's your name?"

"Dr. Oliver Thredson, and yours?" he smiles, less anxiety than before and more curious as he watches me work, those chocolate swirls looming on ebony now as he stares at the long scar gliding down my neck curiously.

As I tenderly place the plaster around his creamy freshly cleaned thumb I answer with my best smile "Marilin-Mae Boots at your service… there." Without thinking I place a healing kiss over the bandage before boxing everything up for Harry to take away "That wasn't so bad was it."

However as I look back to the good doctor he's holding his thumb, almost caressing it "dose it hurt? I tried to be gentle, I'm sorry."

"No, no it doesn't hurt at all, thank you, Marilin was it?" he snapped from whatever trance he seemed to be pulled under and stood slowly.

Twirling a finger though my snowy braid mindlessly I try to hide the blush… my god is he tall… no, wait, answer the question "That's little old me, but everyone calls me…"

"Bootsy, they need you in the Bakery, something about the crust, I don't know…" I glare annoyed and frustrated over my shoulder at Frank, letting him know I'm on my way with a flicking wave of my hand.

"That's because they keep fucking tweaking with my recipe. Idiots!" I mutter under my breath before looking back the smirking doctor.

He looked at me through those glasses that made his stare seem so much more intense, bigger, as I slowly, regretfully backed away "I have to go, but it was nice meeting you."

"And you 'Bootsy'." He offers me a crooked smile whilst I, still fiddling with my ribbon tied braid, race from the room, feeling his gaze on me still.

Something about him was different than the other doctors; my first was Dr. Harris who tried so very hard to get me to regret, then Dr. Jeffrey who was more interested in my tits than my crimes, but this man had something about him… something more, something familiar.

I walk into the Bakery and push past those silly people interfering before smiling as my little helper arrives "Gracie, thank god, could you lay out the ingredients for the strawberry and rhubarb crumble please."

With a cigarette hanging out of her mouth she moves over to the fridge, it's few that get kitchen detail and fewer still in Sister Jude's precious bakery. I decide to throw out the pie bases they'd made that morning because they we're all wrong! Better to start from scratch.

My train of thought as I knead the dough is broken by a shrill giggle behind me "Bootsy's got a new boyfriend…"

"What are you talking about Shelley?" I don't bother to look back at her; already visualizing her shit eating grin. Sometimes she can be so annoying.

"I saw you and four eyes eye fucking in the day room, he's seriously hot… about time you got laid to. Maybe then you'll stop fingering yourself over you own brother." she bonces onto the worktop and I shove her off it with brute force and a childish glee while Grace and the on lookers laugh laughs.

She glares up at me from the floor as i smile bitterly "Say something else about my brother, 'whore', I fucking dare you!"

She doesn't say a word, just walks off in a huff and I shake my head, fighting the urge to run after her and bash her face into a floor until her brain leaked out like a cracked egg, because she has no idea, none of them do.

The days passed far too soon in that hell hole and it was evening before I even blinked, but it's the way of things in a place like that where trying to count the sun rises and sets is like trying to catch smoke, useless and disappointing. However that day had been different, _he'd_ been there, I hadn't talked to him again, I saw him though… peering through the day room window. At first he watched Kit, I knew because I watched him to… pretending in my twisted little head that he was Nate, come to finally take me home, that's when I saw those big lenses that earlier had reflected my blue speckled green orbs back at me. I gave him a small smile and a finger wiggle wave before he felt safe to gaze again because I'd returned to my jigsaw I've finished a hundred times over, but still I watched him now staring to another, little miss Lana, while he hid like a shadow in the darkness.

"Hey, I'm Kit." I was ripped from my train of thought by a gentle voice and I look up into the boys eyes, so soft, so tender "You want a smoke?"

"Bootsy. Sure, thanks." he sits beside me then, seeming relived as he lights the cigarette held between my lips and I cough just a little, because the truth is i'm not much of a smoker.

His knee is shaking and he runs a nervous hand though his hair "Look, I just wanted to thank you for helping me out earlier with that greaser."

The country lilt to his voice is just to sweet and I shrug with a slow drag of the bud "that's ok, Spivey's a fucker on the good days, likes to think he's all tough but really he's just a bully."

"Yeah, guys like that never really got much going on upstairs." He chuckles with understanding, letting out the smoke and it reminds me of the first time I caught Nate smoking pot in his room, I was so mad at him, screaming and raving, but then he hook my hands in those big soft ones of his and gave me the best damn puppy eyes you've ever seen, even convinced me to try a little as he held me sprawled out on the floor.

I feel a twinge of heartache at the memory and lean into him "Kit sweetie, let me tell you something about this place, you got your total batshit's, your typical crazies and then the fucked up psycho killers, and they don't give a shit about you, so made your own damn business and keep your head down and you'll be fine, because no matter how nice the staff seem or how they dress it up beating on us is the highlight of those fucker's week and anyone in here will do anything to make sure it's you and not them."

His adam's apple bobbed with the hard swallow and he licked at his dry lips, spearing a glance over to Grace then me "you don't all seem so bad."

"This is Briarcliff sweetie, bad's the only good we have." He laughs with me as I take another pull from my burned out cigarette, my gaze straying to the door where black rimmed glasses no longer linger.

Dr. Thredson reminded me of someone to… someone I knew so long ago that I couldn't remember his name, but he's still there buried deep but still, he's there.

When lights out came I didn't think I'd see the handsome doctor again, not ever… so I wrote it down in my journal, one of my little privileges due to the sharing of some of my mother's recipes in the Bakery. I sat writing about my day, wondering where Nate was, if he was happy, if he still loved his little Mari, and how much Kit reminded me of him, so gentle, so warm... also I wrote of the handsome doctor with the dark, lonely eyes, so very, very lonely and then her, always my mind strays to her… so virtuous, so precious, she deserved so much more and I hate the world for taking her away, but mostly my father and his whore wife, they caused it all.

We could have been so happy if they just gave us a chance!

That was my last thought before the flickering of the crappy old lights took over and the gentle click echoed through the halls like gods voice through the heavens, leaving us confused and unsure, the red lights reminded me of the habitat Nate had for Daisy, his Corn Snake. maybe because we're all just as captive at she was.

I didn't understand what was happening, but I knew it wasn't good. I hadn't even left my room yet but still I heard the ciaos coming from every direction, I'm not going to lie I was scared, I knew what type of people were locked up in there, mad men, murders, monsters… people like me.

"Bootsy…" at the trembling voice my heart almost stopped but I offer a comforting smile to the frail scared creature in my doorway.

"Pepper, sweetie, don't be scared, come on, come with me; I'll protect you." she takes my hand without much effort and hugs onto me, needing someone to shelter her and who am I to turn her away.

I tried to think of a safe place to go, somewhere the inmates wouldn't enter due to fear, a safe place. A triumphant smile twitched to my lips before I tightly gripped Pepper's shaking hand, cupping her misshaped head with the other to make sure she understands "Pep's I need you to keep tight, tight hold of my hand ok? We're going to be ok."

"Pepper, tight!" she raises both our hands to show her commitment and understanding before we scarper from my room and into bedlam, mind the pun.

The halls where flooded with people and guards trying to retain some sort of order, or at least get the more loopy ones back in their cages. I knew where we were headed without worry, because not an inmate here would ever think of Sister Jude as someone safe.

We managed to get out of the red zone easily enough what with the main security down and a broken door window, I was never more thankful for my long sleeves and still remember the sharp pain of my elbow from it. and found a couple sat quivering at the end of the main entry staircase just as the lights came alive again, Pepper clinging to my arm like a frightened child in the storm when a voice booms through the echoed room "what on earth do you two think you're doing down here?"

"Pepper scared." She was trying to explain but Sister Jude wouldn't understand that, I could tell by her usual stony glare.

"It wasn't safe in our rooms and I couldn't just leave her there, I figured your office would be the safest place, after all you are our guiding light Sister" she looked at us skeptically, i'm sure sure if she guessed me sarcasm but tiredly sighed, spearing a glance to the waiting parents before turning to the man I'd only just realized to be behind her "I don't have time for this, Dr. Thredson… you like interfering so much why don't you show Pepper and Marilin back to their ward."

Almost jumping at the chance to get away from the scene, of having to watch parents be told their child is dead he moved toward us "Certainly. Sister Jude."

The walk back is filled with a quite dodge of orderlies rounding up the stragglers and strays still lingering and hiding out, Pepper still clinging to my arm, worried it might happen again even as I repeatedly reassure her.

I looked up at Oliver, the shine off his thick glasses making him look almost sinister "Fun first day?"

His brows knit together in momentary confusion before he laughs, tilting his glasses straight as he speaks "more eventful than anything I'd say."

"Don't get used to it, this is the most that's happened here since I got transferred and that was over a year ago." I smile up at him before we reach Pepper's room, an orderly pulling her away but she won't let go of my arm, started panicking and thrashing around.

The orderly, Carl, is pushed back by Oliver as his grip on Pepper's arm would no doubt bruise and he speaks evenly, warning "you're hurting her."

I'm not paying the asshole any attention at that moment though as I hug a terrified Pepper, running soothing circles up her back and stoking her shaven head as I coon softly "hey, hey Pep's you know when I was little and I got scared my mother would sing to me, not just any song, but a song to make all the bad things go away, because when they heard the song it made them forget I was there because they couldn't get me, if they didn't know I was there. Would you like me to sing it for you Pepper?"

Carl looked pretty pissed, not to mention annoyed but Oliver just looked on as the big toothed woman nodded into my head "Bootsy sing. Pepper not there. Bootsy sing."

"_Hush little darling, dry your tears, Mommy's here to calm your fears, to make the monsters go away, to make night feel as safe as day, to hold you close, cuddle you tight, until you're calm and feel no fright._" I can feel the two men's stare as her grip loosens on my night shirt, one in frustration and the other in fascination.

"_Open your eyes and look around, plonk your feet on steady ground, there's nothing here to fear, my love, no monsters lurking up above, the wardrobe, nor beneath your bed, the monsters all lurk in your head." _ As I sooth her, hearing her mewing lightly, my gaze locks with those chocolate brown pools, wide as his lip twitches up in the corner "_You can make them go away, or make them friends with whom to play; imagine them in silly clothes, or with a feather up their nose, or with big shoes or silly hair, or wearing baggy underwear!"_

"This is ridicu..ow!" Carl groans, moving to just sling Pepper into her cell, only for a strong fist to tighten in his chest of his shirt and slam him back into the wall, black eyes burrowing through him as Oliver through clenched teeth, the primal side of him growling "let her finish."

"_And soon you'll see that they're not scary, even though they're big and hairy, now your foes are friends, my dear, so please sleep softly, without fear… but just in case, don't forget, that Mommy's always here_." With the last part of the song I do what my mother had so many times done to me, cupped her face with tender care, circling my thumbs over her cheeks with a kiss to her brow "Sweet dreams Pepper."

Those big sweet eyes of hers smile up at me bright and unafraid "Night, night Bootsy." And with that she walks back to her cell… I mean room.

Mine in near the other end of the hall and with Pepper all locked up Carl leaves, or more gets a murderous glare from the good doctor and does a runner. However as he turns back to me his face is handsome face is nothing but gentle, no trace of the vigilantly that allowed me to sing "That was a very beautiful song, Marilin, it's impressive that you know it by heart."

"My mother would sing it to me all the time, as I child I was so afraid of the dark… then after she was gone I had to sing it to myself, but it never had the same effect you know?" I don't know why I told him that, maybe because he bothered to show interest.

As we reach my door he smiles at me though those glasses of his and I wonder if his eyes would look as big without them "nothings quite as calming as a mother's touch. She must have loved you very much… I'm sorry Marilin, i'm just having a hard time understanding why your here."

I bite my lip to stifle a giggle because I've asked myself that question a lot over the years, as have many others. I know I sometimes seem sane, maybe I am, I don't know any more or maybe I just don't care "I'm here for the same reason as most of them, I'm a psycho, fucked up, killer. On the other hand if we're getting technical then the real reason I'm here is so much better."

He leans down to me, almost as though I'm about to tell him a secret. So with one last look into those ebony pools I shrug "I'm here because I made the ultimate sin… I loved my baby."


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey guys, thanks everyone for the alerts and stuff, I'm glad your liking it. However I'd like to dedicate this chapter to my first reviewer; IAmTheRedMaskHeWears – so glad I got you into some Thredson fic and I really hope you like the rest of it :)**

**JJ X x**

_It's so sunny, bright and warm on my skin, the grass is almost soothing between my toes and the air is smothered in spiced oak from the smoldering old woods around us. A hand grips mine and I feel like I'm flying "Quick Mari, run."_

_I laugh and look up to my brother, he's only just taller than me, but at nine and twelve it wasn't that big a deal. We laughed as we ran hand in hand from the growling monster chasing us; we're almost at the bright welcoming red door of the ivory bricked ranch I so fondly remember when a pair of strong, worn hands all but rips us off the porch steps "Gotcha!"_

"_Mommy!" I scream as to I'm lifted into the air alongside Nate as we squirm for freedom._

_The red door opened and stood there was a beautiful pin curled blonde in a knee length blue dress and sparkling pearl necklace, her hands on her hips while she smiles "now what do we have here?"_

"_Grandpa's trying to eat us!" Nate screamed with laughter and I chuckle as grandpa lifts us higher as he jokes about why he started chasing us "found these two stragglers snooping around the barns."_

_She steps of the porch and we stop struggling "Is that so, well I can see a more fitting punishment for nosy nellies like you two… tickling!"_

_Grandpa almost drops us as mom's fingers wiggle and we kick out on instinct, Nate manages to squirm away with grandpa hot on his heels but mom has me trapped on the lawn, laughing as I lose control of my limbs "Mommy please, please…"_

_She stops and looks down at me with the diamond blue orbs she blessed me with__ while __smiling that sun bright smile only she could, nimble fingers brushing back my knotted curls "oh my little princess."_

"_Mom, I'm not some little girl anymore." I groaned with a roll of my eyes, trying to be older than my short years._

_She laughed brightly and nodded "is that so? Well you may be a big old hag now, but you're still my… little… princess!" _

_The last three words were smashing into me with a cluster of face kisses as I giggled and wiped them away as I groan "I'm not a hag!"_

"_I know baby. Oh come here and give Mama Bear a cuddle." I matched her smirk and flung my arms around her neck, feeling her squeezing me tight and over her shoulder I saw grandpa and Nate sitting in the field, laughing but then a figure appeared in the upstairs window, an angry, broken figure… then like magic, everyone was gone, all that was left was the small frail broken body in my arms, my own eyes looking through me with a glassy expression, blood staining her pearly white skin, she's so small, so still and I can't breathe as shill screech echoed in my head… it took a moment to realize it was me screaming._

"Bootsy?!"

The voice pulls me out of my trance and I realize where I am, the day room, Briarcliff, curled into a chair in the far corner, bottle green eyes look up at me curiously and I smile "Sorry Gracie, my mind got away from me there for a second."

"In this place is it any wonder?" she laughs and takes a seat on the tattered old sofa across from me, lighting a cigarette while sending a glare over my shoulder.

I turn and see Lana sat alone, staring longingly out the barred window before asking "someone found their way into your bad books Gracie?"

"Something like that, bitch ruined everything." I quirk a brow to that but before I get the chance to ask Grace stood up right and moved faster than I'd ever seen her, I realized it was because Kit had walked in, looking intently at the floor and had a strange waddle to his walk. I wondered what exactly it was I was missing.

Whatever it was I wanted in, so took my own initiative and wordlessly made my way past the head banger and other crazies to the silent girl in the corner "Hey, your Lana Winters right?"

She looked up at me with cold brown eyes and nodded somberly "that's me."

"I'm Bootsy, you were here the other day to write about my infamous Apple Pie." I do my best to smile at her but with the shear coldness of the woman it was kind of hard, especially since she scoffed disbelievingly "'_Your_' apple pie?"

I bit the wall of my cheek tasting copper as to not lunch at the bitch "Yeah, Sister Jude uses some of my family recipes and in return I get a little leniency."

Her eyes seem to gain some sort of emotion from that as she looks me over, searching for any sign of crazy before taking a deep long drag "I don't think that women even knows the meaning of the word."

"Yeah, she's a sucker for the corporal punishment that one; I honestly think she gets off on it." she offers me a smile and I'm sure at least half of it is forced, but I'm not focusing on that, on her, my mind blanks as I see a certain someone stride in and over to a bruised and battered Kit. I knew they had an appointment today, Kit had mentioned it during breakfast where he'd knelt against the table rather than sit on the hard chair.

"Who's that?" her voice is curious but dull, like she's trying to squash out the little emotion in it.

I can feel myself blushing, willing the blood not to brighten my cheeks as I answer, tearing my eyes from the lean doctor and smiling almost shyly "oh, that's Dr. Thredson; he's here to see if Kit's cuckoo. He's nice."

"Kit Walker's a cold blooded killer, a monster, isn't that enough?" she's snarling over at the boy and I the growl in my chest before I hear it.

I can't seem to stop the words tumbling out of my mouth a little too loud "Enough for what? You think because he's a killer he's stopped being a person. That he chose this life, that anyone would choose this?"

"Why are you defending him?" it's almost a whisper and despite the eyes on us I stand, ready to fight as I glare down at her, my arms pressing into the back of her chair, pinning the judgy little bitch as I sneer "because he isn't the only _monster_ in here, sweetie!"

Lana swallows hard at the realization that I'm not just an everyday nut-job, but a murderer to boot. I felt a pair of arms on me and began to struggle on instinct as a voice broke through the deranged laughter and wolf whistles "Hey, Carl, come on, no need for that, right Marilin?"

He's got his arm on Carl, with that same predatory way he had not even that night before and I'm looking into those big brown pools as I nod "yeah, I'm ok now, promise."

The snarling orderly lets me go with a disgruntled groan and I feel the eyes on me, my gaze flickering over to Kit and Grace, he looks kind of confused with a deep lined frown but Grace just smiles, probably wishing I'd have actually hit the woman. I noticed Oliver looking over at the reporter with this strange longing in his eyes and I kind of wish I hit her to, made her bleed and bruise, ugly her up… I didn't know why though.

"Marilin why don't you and I have a talk." I'd heard that sentence before, always a calm and soothing tone, like trying to lure a stray away from small children, but even with this tone on him there was something more, a hard edge to his voice that sent a tingling shiver down my spine as his hand brushed my lower back, carefully moving me away from the self-righteous, prissy Lana.

I'm more than aware of his long fingers still on me as we walk to his office "What was all that about?"

"Nothing…" I mumbled with a fall of my head, using the thin veil of curls to hide my unpermitted pout.

I hear the groan as we walk but don't look at him, not until he all but stops in front of me hands in his pockets, that all knowing smirk and a twitch of the big brows "Now you're just lying to me."

My teeth gnawed at my lower lip and I felt like a little girl again under his stare, it'd been so long since I felt that way "I'm sorry it's just… you should have heard the way she was talking about Kit."

"And what's your interest in Mr. Walker?" his voice lacks the disgruntled amusement I would get from anyone else, but it is filled with a curiosity that grabs my attention.

So again as he locks onto my gaze through those big Clark Kent glasses as I mutter without thought "he… he reminds me of someone I once knew. Plus he's kind of a sweetheart."

I watch as a shadow falls over him, like clock pieces working in his head, with a heavy breath Oliver sighs, shoulders falling "I see, but Marilin you have to understand that no matter who he may remind you of, he isn't that person and to others Kit Walker is just a boy who did terrible things."

There's no judgment in his eyes, not even a lick and my lip twitches ever so slightly "we all do terrible things Oliver, it's called being human."

His pink lips part in awe and I have the overwhelming urge to touch them, but I don't "I should get back, Lunch will be ready soon."

Oliver shakes himself from the moment and pushes back his glasses gently, clearing his throat "yes, I suppose you should… I'll see you later Marilin."

I don't bother to say goodbye, just wave lightly before skipping off to lunch, I felt better… better than I'd felt in a long time. However little did I know that as I merrily skipped down the hall his eyes narrowed on me before marching over to Frank and all but demanding "Hey Frank, do you think I could get a look at Miss. Marilin-Mae Boots's file?"

Frank, frowning in confusion as he agreed reluctantly "Bootsy? Um sure Doc, I guess so but why?"

"Just something I want to check." The explanation was simple enough; after all he was a highly respected Doctor, who was frank to argue with the man "I'll get it to you Doc."

And with that well trained smile Oliver said "thank you Frank."

I still sometimes wonder why he even bothered; after all I was far from his precious Lana… so very far.

I sat with Kit and grace during Lunch, Pepper waving her way over to take a snug seat beside me as Kit leaned across the table and whispered "what was all that about with you and Lana?"

"Don't worry about it Kitten." I wink with a bite of my apple, Grace smiling crooked as she laughs throwing an arm around the blondes shoulder "aw, are you a cute little kitty cat, Kit."

He shrugs her off with a matching chuckle and I hate myself for wishing he was someone else, that I was somewhere else…

"Bootsy?" I shake my head at the look of concern and oddity from the two across the table. Pepper engrossed in playing with her half eaten meal as Kit asks "you ok? You zoned out on us there for a minute."

I smile my best smile with a light shrug, realizing I'd eaten almost all the slop they call food and I don't know when I did that "I know, I swear this place is finally getting to me. I think I just need some air. Hey Pep's, you want to come outside and play?"

We always have an hour outside after dinner, well; those trusted but still guarded few anyway. Pepper pushes her chair back eagerly and takes my hand, both of us waving our friends off before leaving the room. Pepper and I spent the hour playing tag, hide and seek then just sitting the sun making daisy chains, it was a good afternoon. People always make fun of Pepper, but I know she doesn't belong here… she's too innocent, too good, but then people do have a way of destroying worth protecting.

The rest of the day went by pretty simply, Lana did her best to stay out of everyone's way, that girl had been here less than a week and was already making enemies, never the wisest move in a nut house. Even during kitchen duty I managed to have a little fun, Gracie and I playing with the flour and almost getting yelled at twice, Kit had just looked over with a smile while Shelley flirted with him shamelessly.

It was a normal thing really, whenever we had extra treats left over at the end of day Sister Jude would give them to staff or well behaved patients, today there had been quite a few leftovers so when I asked Sister Jude what I should do with them she thrust a small wicker basket into my hands and said in her usual stern, not-to-be-messed-with tone "hand them around the staff, you can have whatever's leftover from that."

By the time I get around to knock on Oliver's office door the basket in near empty "Come in."

"Delivery; sweets and treats for the taking." I smile brightly finding the good doctor sat at his desk and place the basket before him, doing my best to avoid the lack of jacket and how well his crisp white shirt hugs the muscled torso beneath, after all I'm not Shelley.

He stood with that hundred watt smile and rounded the table to peek inside the basket "did you smuggle these out or did Sister Jude have a stroke of some kind?"

"She doesn't like waste, says we she thankful for our food and not waste god's gift or some crap like that. So anyway we have a few donuts, all the jam are long gone, blueberry cupcakes and a selection of cookies; sprinkle or chocolate chip" I shuffle with a bright smile as he picks up a two chocolate chip.

I watch him take a bite, enjoying the taste and I feel kind of proud that he likes my baking "these are very good, but I have to confess oatmeal is my favorite."

"Well maybe if you're lucky I'll sneak you some tomorrow." My fingers curled into a long strand as I watched him, noticing the light stubble already forming from a long day's work, my smile dies the moment I notice something sat near his typewriter.

_Marilin-Mae (__Bootsy__) Boots _

_Age; 22_

_Gender; Female_

_Patient Number; 35092_

_Conviction; Triple Homicide _

_WARNING – CONSIDERED DANGERIOUS AND UNSTABLE._

I couldn't see the rest of it, hidden under other scraps of paper but the tightness of my jaw hurt and my breath quickened in a flash of rage "You've been reading my file."

I stare him dead in those gorgeous eyes as a near panic engulfs him but it's fleeting, as though it were never there "I've skimmed over it. I was curious."

"So… now you know." I leaped from the table with such force I ached my small slipper-wearing feet, tearing the basket away as I go only for long callous fingers wrap around my arm "Marilin wait."

Oliver spun me back to him with little to no effort and I could feel the tears burning in my eyes, but I refused the release them "Don't, I get it. Now you know exactly what type of monster I am. You don't have to pretend to be my friend Oliver; I'm not going to go 'Hatchet Girl' on you. you don't have to play nice with the freak anymore."

Those bushy brows frowned in confusion before shaking his head, he was looking at me strange, those brown eyes blown black before speaking in a deeper tone, the one that sends a far to pleasant shiver down my spine "Hey, don't you dare talk about yourself that way!"

I was frozen into place, his grip leaving bruises on my pale flesh and honestly I hadn't expected that, any of it "Marilin… it's ok, it's ok."

I shake my head because I didn't understand how he could say that with such earnest, or why the just too tight grip felt so good, too good and I shove at him as hard as my small hands can muster "don't say that! It's not ok, nothing about me is ok! I killed them, I killed them and they deserved to die… I killed them and I loved every second of it so don't tell me that it's ok."

"Marilin, Marilin!" he shakes me to a stop, until I realize I was fighting him so hard I forgot to breath "I understand! it was for her, wasn't it… for Maebell."

My heart slammed against my chest at the name, the name I so lovingly picked and it killed me as I broke apart in front of this man, this stranger "IT WAS THEIR FAULT! They took her away from me, they took her from my arms the second I got her and then they told me to forget, how could… they let her die!"

I can't fight back the tears anymore as I sob, not even noticing as orderlies rush in only to be shooed away by the man I'm clung to, I don't even know him, I don't even remember shoving everything off the desk but I break apart for him, letting the pieces of my duck taped heart fall into his waiting hands as I mumble and weep.

He didn't judge me or was disgusted by me, I knew even Grace was a little sickened when the truth came out. However Oliver just held me, fingers brushing back my hair.

Later I would ask him why he held me like his life depended on it, even after I'd realized his obsession with them woman less than me, I asked him and he took of those glasses, looking me bare in the eye and said "because you loved your daughter and you deserved to morn her."

No one had let me morn, let me even say goodbye to her… my little girl.

But that's not why I killed them;

The _stranger_ that survived the fire his wife and my daughter died in, the daughter they stole.

The _whore_ my father moved into my mother's bed before she was even cold.

And my _darling_ father, who couldn't bear to look me in the eye for the things I'd seen.

No, that's not why I killed them. I did it because they never gave us a _chance_, because I could have protected her, I _would_ have protected her… like I'd protected _him. _

Because she wasn't the nasty words my father had called her... she was mine and after seven years it still felt like I was dying, drowning in the pain and truth that she's _gone,_ my very own little princess...

My little angel,

...not some rape baby, but my baby.

Mine.

**Hey, ok so I know this is freaky but trust me and please don't start hating ok? Thanks X x**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey guys, ok here's another chapter, tried to make it a long one for you and I really hope you like it :)**

**JJ X x**

It'd had been two says since my little episode in Oliver's office. He'd held me as though it was the last thing he'd ever do, long coarse fingers stroking soothing circles against my thinly covered back and brushing my away hair so I could breathe from where my head was buried in his shirt, staining it with tears. It was a strange kind of comfort, a kind I'd forgotten long ago and for the first time in forever, curled up in the doctor's strong, welcoming arms I'd felt something I never thought I'd feel again… I felt safe.

Still the mortification of my breakdown had made me avoid him at every turn, until now "Bootsy."

I was pretty much happy to see Sister Mary-Eunice; she'd always had this childlike sweetness about her "Sister Jude wants to see you in the kitchens."

With a nod, I'd excused myself from my Ping-Pong game with Pepper; she looked a little sad but smiled and left in search of the worn crayons. I walked in my merry way to Sister Jude; I wondered what she must need, had someone misplaced the small book of recipes I'd handed over? Was she thinking of adding something and wanted my approval? That had been part of our agreement after all, no changes without my say so.

However the moment my small hand pushes the door open I can all but cut the tension with a knife, not just theirs but my own. Eyes locked firmly onto Oliver's for the first time in two days, it took Sister Jude's shrill voice to rip me from my trance "Marilin… I'll be needing you to work a double shift, big order this morning, four dozen mint brownies and four dozen plain by eight AM tomorrow."

Figures, brownie's where something I'd happily make for the bakery but refused to hand over the recipe, it was one of my mother's best kept secrets "Of course Sister, I'll get started right after breakfast."

The old crow wasn't looking at me though; she was busy glaring at Oliver as I turned and left the room without another word only for heavy footsteps to follow me "Marilin!"

"I have to get to breakfast." I shouted over my shoulder, my small legs trying to make me fly with how fast they moved, but not fast enough.

Before I knew it he was in front of me but I couldn't bring myself to meet his gaze but the soothing deep tone of his voice made my breath quicken "Marilin, please. I know you've been avoiding me. What happened the other day is nothing to be ashamed of, you had a moment and…"

"You don't understand! I can't afford to do that, to be that _weak, _I won't be able survive if I am… not in here." I fought back the quiver of my lip, but I was looking at him, looking into those big brown eyes that wanted to swallow every ounce of my soul; and god how I wanted him to…

"Marilin, it is with me. And if you'd let me I'd like to help you." his brushy eyebrows knitted together as he watched my confused face and unintended scoff "How?"

"I'm only here for a short while, if Sister Jude had her way I would be out today… but while I'm here you _can_ come to me. No judgment, no fear, just two people talking." My mouth had turning to the Sahara with how dry it became and I don't know if I was actually breathing.

Swallowing hard, drowning the urge to pull him close and never let go, to plead and scream 'YES!' before I mutter "why would you do that?"

"Because I think you need It." he hadn't even blinked before answering and the grip on my wrist was still there, the coarse skin of his thumb caressing small circles into the joining of my own. The small smile that broke free without request followed by the terrified little nod seemed to make him beam, a hundred watt smile shining down at me… it was blinding, making me see nothing besides the benevolent creature before me.

I barely had time for breakfast, knowing that the new order would take a while and I wanted to get it done… maybe even whip up some oatmeal cookies. However as I worked I'd noticed Kit walk into the kitchen and over to me, half a smoke in hand that I slapped to the ground "Not in the kitchens! ...hey what happened to you?"

He groans almost like a child as I grip his face to inspect the reopened cut on his neck, it looked even bigger but he's already shrugging me off "don't worry about it."

"This is Arden isn't it? That's it! He isn't getting away with this bullshit anymore." I brushed my flour covered hands on my apron and feel the rage as I go to storm off and find that piss-ant doctor and give him a piece of my mind when a pair of masculine arms circle my waist and twists me back against the table until we're face to face, hands quickly moving to my shoulders "Bootsy, I appreciate you wanting to look out for me, but you talking to Arden is only going to make it worse, plus what about if the guy turns on you huh? Besides I'm fine."

I felt the rage sore my blood but nodded in agreement, I didn't want to make things worse for Kit. He smiled and clapped his hands together in that confident, cheery way he dose "So what we cooking chef?"

I left early for lunch, leaving Kit and Grace in charge of the second batch of brownies, Pepper tenderly boxing up the first. My lunch had gone much like my breakfast, quickly shoveling it down so that not twenty minutes later I was walking towards Dr. Thredson's office; however I froze for a moment at the sight of Lana, all but pacing outside his door… what the fuck did she want? I never got the chance to ask because the second she saw me she all pretty much legged it.

"Knock, Knock!" I opened the door as I said it, seeing Oliver eating lunch at his desk, jacketless again.

He smiled that beautiful smile up at me before wiping at his mouth "Marilin, Hello. Come in, come in."

"Don't get up; I just came to bring you these and to say thanks for…you know." I placed the small batch of oatmeal cookies on his desk, wondering if he'd like them with a nervous bite of my lip.

He gestures for me to take a seat and I do it, eyeing him as he stands only to sit on the desk opening the box and I see a sparkle of delight in his eyes and a pleasure ripple through him with the first bite "Marilin, these are the best cookies I've ever tasted. Thank you."

I swelled with pride at the comment but shrugged as a blush burned my pale cheeks "thank my mother, it's her recipe."

I watched every move he made, saw something shift in him that seemed foreign yet familiar as he looked at me over those strangely sexy spectacles and swallowed down the sugary treat "You really miss her don't you."

"Everyday… I think she would have liked you." it slipped out, really it did, but the twitching smirk on his face made me want to hold him, because it wasn't a happy thing, but not sad either "Is that so?"

I look at him again, watching him finger a cookie as I nod; bringing my knees up to rest under my chin "she would have liked how good you've been to me… despite what I've done. She always had this thing that there's no such thing as a perfect person, even though I was convinced she was, even after everything I found out, she was always perfect in my eyes. Still is."

"Isn't that a Child's prerogative?" Oliver smiled down at me with guarded yearning.

A smile smeared onto my lips as words I'd once in a poem heard fell out "Mother is god in the eyes of a child."

He suddenly had that far out look in eyes, glassed ebony staring into the core of my soul. For a long moment it was like peering over a wall, Oliver reminded me of when one of the neighbor kids wondered down the wrong street, he looked scared and lost and almost praying to god or whoever would listen, then without warning the wall got higher and all I saw was fresh brick built by his perfect smile.

It took me a moment to realize his gaze hand fallen to my hand which had gipped his of its own volition "don't be sad."

It was a thought that slipped out, it was like the string between my brain and deeds had been butchered by Dr. Arden. Oliver didn't seem mad though, he seemed almost awestruck, his hand still firmly in mine "what makes you think I'm sad?"

"You don't look happy, so you must be sad." A smile twitched at the corner of his lips before I stood, the urge to comfort his was too much, I just didn't want him to be sad anymore. So I did the only thing I could think off, pulling my hand from his I circled my frail arms around his broad shoulders, nuzzling into the musky, salted scent of his neck, drinking it in while shaky, unsure hands engulfed my to tiny waist.

I took in one last breath of him before meeting those blown black abysses, cupping the stubbly warm cheek and smiling "please don't be sad baby-boy"

I remember how that would calm my father and brother whenever mom said it, it was like a code word. A secret I didn't quite know. I watched his Adam's apple dance with one hard swallow before I politely, silently leave him to his lunch a low echo of his stare following me down the hall.

That night I laid in my room, scribbling away in my journal, I wrote of Him, Dr. Thredson, Oliver. About how it was so amazingly easy to be around him, how he made me feel almost like a free woman, like a human being. It was the first time in so long I didn't write about the past in hatred or grief, the notes of my Maebell were of the few moments I held her, the pure bliss it gave me, my mother's too kind heart and my brothers annoying smugness. Nothing about Gabe, my bastard father, or Loretta, his disgusting whore… and I fell into slumber with the pen still in my hand, a small smile on my face and for the first time in seven years dreamed of nothing but comforting darkness.

The next day was my Friday and everyone was buzzing about the movie and the storm, it was actually my day off but when Frank came over to me at breakfast and asked me to help set up I was happy to help, I'd never actually seen a movie before.

By the time I got into the Day room Grace was already placing seats out and I rushed over to help "Morning."

"Why are you so happy?" she smiled, eyeing me curiously.

With a light shrug I unfolded the next seat, having to whip back my curls to see as I answered with a half-truth "I'm really looking forward to tonight, should be a blast."

Her face fell slightly and I was about to ask what was wrong when the most annoying voice in all of Briarcliff shrilled down my ear "Looks like someone has competition."

I rolled my eyes at Shelley, fighting the urge to beat her with the chair in my hands simply because I didn't want to miss the movie "what are you gossiping about now? More dribble from the orderly's?"

"You know that reporter chick? Well she's been stalking outside the yummy new doctor's office, watching him like a hark… looks like you better move it before you lose it, Bootsy-girl." She laughed bitterly and if she hadn't of walked off I might have smashed up the chair with her face.

God, I hated that girl.

"Bootsy are you alright?" it was only by Grace's voice I realized my grip on the chair was giving me splinters.

I slapped on my best 'don't-give-a-shit' smile and shrugged "peachy, just looking at Shelley's face gave me a miner aneurism is all."

We laughed together and laid out the rest of the chairs, talking about nonsense really, and what that little skank said wasn't playing through my head on a loop… I didn't care; why should I?

I DIDN'T CARE!

Liar…

It was near lunch when Oliver finally came into to room, holding open the doors for the strangers to set up the picture. He smiled over at me with a small tilt of his head and my fingers wiggled lightly in response, then shyly returning to my book. I was reading, honestly I was but then I saw _her_ light up and just sit there staring at Oliver, I guess Shelley's grape vine finally got something right.

She walked up to him and I scrutinized every move they made, talking in hushed voices, movie somewhere out of earshot, leaning in closer… the images of them in a far more intimate embrace played over my mind, her man-hands unbuttoning his shirt, gliding down that beautifully chiseled chest and her thin lipped mouth kissing him, making him moan into her touch and it was like I couldn't breathe. I needed out, I need air… so slamming down the book I flew out of the room, I just couldn't breathe.

I clung to the bars of a barely open window, sucking in the air as much as I could "Bootsy?"

The voice is soft and sweet and it isn't until small twitchy hands push back my hair I know I'm crying, it's like I've lost all control of myself and I don't even know why "Pep's."

"Don't cry Bootsy, please." Pepper curled into me and I laughed with a sob, hugging the girl who was trying to comfort me, rocking us slightly before she pulls back to take my hands "Pepper make you better?"

"Much, thank you Pep's." she swelled with pride and smiled her toothy smile.

I shook my head, trying to regain myself and quickly wiped away the tears, linking my arm with the pinheaded girls "come on; let's get you back in the kitchens before Sister Jude's pitches a fit."

We walked off almost playfully, skipping here and there; unaware of the dark eyes watching us over thick rimmed glasses.

I spent the rest of the day in my room, with a small collection of books from the day room. I was kind of enjoying my alone time… time to drown out the worries of the world with fiction. It was nice, relaxing.

And I swear I wasn't thinking at all about a certain dazzling doctor…

Not much anyway.

When we were all collected for the movie I walked over to Kit and Grace, always together as usual "can I bum a smoke?"

They both looked at me with raised brows as Kit opened the pack and held out a light for me, the slow burn was almost soothing "What's wrong?"

"We're criminally insane murders doomed to spend the rest of our lives in this shithole with stuck-up fuckers like _Lana Winters_ looking down their noses at us. Apart from that, nothing." They both looked kind of shocked at my little outburst, Kit running an awkward hand through his hair.

"Ah, I see. What has she done this time?" Grace asked with a puff of smoke.

I glared at her from across the room, fucking bitch, "she just thinks she's so much better than us, she needs a damn reality check. I mean what the fuck is she even doing here?"

Grace shrugged while kit leaned back against the wall "I heard her girlfriend got her committed."

"Girlfriend?" my mouth goes dry at the thought as he nods in conformation.

Thy share this look, some sort of understand before Kit leans in "Bootsy listen we have to…"

"Take your seats! Take your seats! No more dillydallying! Sit down! Sit down!" Sister Jude's voice boomed through the room with that fucking god dammed whistle.

As we usher to our seats Grace takes my arm, pulling me to sit with her and Kit as Sister Jude waffled on about the movie, but I honestly don't think anyone was listening, I know I wasn't and it's not because I noticed Oliver slide in through the back and find his way to Lana. But I didn't fill with the same paranoid rage and hurt as before.

After all she's a lesbian.

And that really shouldn't make me feel better.

As the thunder rolled by and the lightning blinded us Sister Jude went a little funny, sprouting all sorts of crap and actually seeming kind of nice "She's wasted!"

I bit my lip to stifle the laugh as Kit's words, sucking on the cigarette in amusement white Kit lit one for himself, Grace giggling like a school girl. We all watched Sister Jude, our fearless leader but when the lights went off I wondered what she was actually talking about, who was alone?

"Bootsy, listen, we're getting out of here!" my brows knitted in confusion and I almost dropped my half smoked bud.

"What are you talking about?" kit's arm fell around the back of my chair as Grace tapped her foot.

He leaned into me and with hardly any light it was almost like talking to Nate "Me, Grace and Shelley are getting out of this freak show… come with us."

I felt my heart stop beating. Out, was that even a dream worth dreaming? I licked at my dry lips, looking around the room, Daniel was making a fuss, Pepper fiddling with the ends of her cardigan and then Lana and Oliver talking like old friends, hell maybe they were. I knew I had some sort of an unexplainable crush on the man, I'm not an idiot, but no matter how pretty man, how kind or open… it's just a dream, because he was the good guy and I would always be a bloodstained murder.

I drown out the doubt in my head screaming and nod to the pair "when?"

They shared a smile as Grace took one last pull of her smoke and stood, Kit taking my hand to lead the way and nodded to Shelley before pulling me up and behind him, we sunk into the shadows and with one last look to the brown eyed beauty I left.

I wished I had a chance to say goodbye.

"We picked a hell of a night for it." Shelley grumbled as we made our way down the darkened corridors. If possible the place was even creepier at night.

Kit smiled at that "Yeah, it's good. Perfect, in fact. The storm will cover our tracks. All we have to do is go through those doors, through the staff lounge and into the boiler room."

"And that'll take us where, Narnia?" she just keeps grumbling and I growl "what's the matter Shelley don't you trust us?"

She goes to make some snarky comment but Grace just smirks "There's an old tunnel that leads into the woods - assuming it's really there."

I noticed Kit go stiff and put a hand on his arm about to ask what was wrong when a small voice spoke "It's there. That touched nun brought me through it. I'll show you; just take me with you."

I jumped slightly as Grace pinned Lana to the wall, not that she didn't deserve it for their last escape attempt "Screw you. You had your chance."

Lana isn't looking at Grace, she was staring with tear glazed eyes to Kit "I was wrong about you. I'm sorry. But someone I love may be in danger. I know you can understand that."

"We have to take her down. She'll raise the alarm." Grace doesn't even bat an eye about it, she's strong, I've always admired that about her.

However Kit obviously saw something the rest of us couldn't in Lana "No, she won't. She's coming with us.

"What?!" Grace looked more pissed than confused "We don't have time to argue. Come on."

I move to stand next to Grace and say calmly "you try anything and you die."

She nods quickly, because it's an honest to god promise, after all I am a convicted killer.

We all stop dead though as Kit whispers "Shit. Carl's out there."

"What are we gonna do?" Grace looked to the only male of the group for guidance and I honestly wanted to know the answer.

We can all see him getting ready for a smack down "Whatever we have to, we may not get another chance. We're going through that door."

"You're not taking down Carl. He was a Marine. He fought in Korea… I'll make sure you get through the door. Just, just try and wait for me." at Shelley's selflessness I'm not going to lie I was surprised.

Grace was kind of confused though "Wait for you?"

"If you can't, if I don't make it out, make sure you write the story that blows the doors off this place. Don't forget about me." she heads off but before she can be caught in Carl's line of view I grab her wrist, making eye contact with a woman that until this moment I had no respect for "Good luck."

She looked almost moved before stepping into the bright light "Shelley, what are you doing out here?"

We listened to her flirt shamelessly and Carl meekly tried to avert her advances, he was pretty shit at it. But once the sound of the far door echoed we raced toward the staff lounge, a step closer to freedom and I could feel my heart racing a marathon in my chest.

By the time we reach the boiler room reality hits me full force and as they open the door I shake my head "I can't…"

"Bootsy come on." Grace is all but dragging me but I pull away from her.

They stood looking at me confused and probably annoyed "I can't leave."

Suddenly Kits cupping my face, looking me dead in the eye with all the goodness of god himself "Bootsy you can, you can do this… you don't belong here."

"I murdered my father, stepmother and the man who adopted my daughter… I took a knife, drugged them, then cut out their still beating hearts and then stabbed them in the face so much they couldn't even get dental records." Kit and Lana looked pretty horrified but Grace already knew about my past, and I hers.

"You were a fifteen year old girl who'd just lost her daughter, twice! You could have a normal life." it was a beautiful idea, but I knew she was wrong.

"No Gracie I can't, I've been in and out of hells like this for seven years… it's all I know. Besides where would I even go?…Home? To a brother who hates me? I wouldn't survive out there." I tried to explain it to them, but I could tell they wouldn't understand, not really…

Lana is the next to pitch in "Bootsy I've seen the way you are with everyone, you take care of people, you walk around this place like there's no bars around you."

I felt a tear fall and laugh "Exactly, in here I'm sweet, helpful Bootsy. Out there I'm just a monster."

"You're not a monster!" Kit almost growled and he was wrong, I am a monster, but the sick thing is I kind of like it.

I threw my arms around his neck, pulling Grace in with one arm as I said "you have no idea how wrong you are, but thanks anyway."

Pulling away from the pair I take steps in reverse to the door "I'll try to keep them off you as long as I can… goodbye."

I bolted from the room without another word, racing back to the film and smiling at Frank as I pass him by, but he's rushing over to Sister Mary-Eunice while a rough, large hand grips my arm "Where are they?"

"Oliver… what?" he was looking at me with this raw blackness that was so familiar to me.

He pulled me into the corner, behind the pillar, grip still burning my arm as my back meets the metal pillar and I didn't feel my blood race at how close he was to me "Lana... Kit and Grace, you all vanished. Where?"

Watching him, all harsh words and dark eyes I finally realize who he reminds me of…me!

I bush myself up to him to try and ease the aching grip and with a pained filled sob gasp, the words just falling out "Oliver, baby please…"

Almost instantly my arm feels the loss of his firm touch, those dark eyes soften and he's back to those tender touches, looking at my arm in regret "Marilin, I'm so sorry. I didn't…"

I didn't know why he got so mad at me, why he'd even care but that didn't matter right then as I reached up to caress the soft skin of his neck "stop! Hush now."

I'd half expected him to pull away, shameful and full of regret, that's what a good man would do. He didn't do that, his eyes closed and a breathe fell from those kissable lips, it was only when the doors threw open and stood there was a Sister Jude, flicking the lights on and thus ending the Movie.

I shared a look with Oliver before, backing away to find a seat. The drunk old bitch was talking about how three people had escaped and a small smile spread on my face, that is until I noticed the dripping muddy trio, looking over to them and I make eye contact, silently asking why while Sister Jude tells us the Mexican, Pepper and Shelley have vanished.

Kit just looks at me mournfully, Grace shaking her head and Lana just trying to stay calm. We head to our rooms and I pass Oliver, but he doesn't see me this time, far too busy watching the soaked reporter.

I think that was the moment I started to genuinely hate her, what was so special about Lana Winters.

Back at my room I sat in the moonlight, caressing the fingerprint bruises already forming on my arm. Oliver Thredson wasn't what I thought… he wasn't all purity and light, no, that was just the candy coating, because I saw, I saw the darkness in him and it called to me, marked me with bruises and awakened another feeling in me… one I couldn't name, I just knew that for the first time I knew I wasn't the only one, I wasn't alone.

And I was willing to anything to keep that feeling, to keep him.


	4. Chapter 4

It was a new day, every day in here had seemed the same but not this day, no… the wind had shifted bringing with it the cool calming breeze I'd long forgotten.

I was up half the night thinking about what I should do before sleep consumed me.

Even at breakfast when a hand caught my shoulder, making me up "whoa, calm down, it's just me."

"Sorry Kit." I offered him a small smile while staring back at my half eaten plate.

Taking a seat across from me he leaned close and asked "You ok? You seem a bit off."

I look his dead in the eyes, wanting to ask about last night but Grace had made it very clear that morning that it was never to be mentioned again after ignoring the question all together, so with a heavy sigh I asked "do you think Pepper's ok?"

A thin lipped smile twitched into place as he looked at me, a fondness in his tone I'd come to expect and admire "there you go worrying about everyone else again… she'll be ok Bootsy, she's a good girl."

With a shake of my head I let my actual concern for the girl show, not even needing to pretend "exactly! Pepper is sweet and trusting and good… she's basically a child and children don't belong in the big bad world all alone. She could get hurt."

His coarse fingers graze my creamy hand with a tight squeeze "they'll find her, she'll be ok…"

I knew it was a promise he could never keep but still I found a comfort in it, however it did little to drown out the scratching pull my mind wondered to.

_**Oliver …**_

It wasn't until I stood; burying myself into the cold wall near the end of the long corridor, watching his office door and gnawing at my fingernails as I saw _her_ leaving his office, it was then I realized that it was simple… everything was so simple.

With a quick glance to the mirror I brush my fingers through my falling golden locks, brushing any dirt from my pink cotton nightdress as I strode to his office. I didn't need to knock as the door was open, there he stood at the window, reading over a file, the sun streaming in the bounce from the thick frame of his glasses and shower him in a steam of light; he looked almost godlike "Oliver?"

With a snap of the file he spun towards me, licking his lips as he nervously straightens himself "Marilin… um, please take a seat."

Oliver rushes to close the door as I curl up in the worn chair opposite his. He's all fidget and shame as his gaze never meets mine "Marilin, firstly I would like to apologize for last night, there is no excuse, no explanation. I… what's so funny?"

I couldn't help the giggling as I lightly bit my thumb "you trying to apologize. Silly thing… it's fine."

His brow creases in confusion as he leans, cross-armed on his desk "I don't understand, Marilin what I did was…"

"Hush. I told you, it's alright… I'm alright. We all get a little angry sometimes and it's not like you hurt me or anything. So don't be such a fuddy-duddy." I smiled and lightly pressed the tip of his nose with my finger playfully.

He seemed to relax instantly but was still on edge "it was still wrong of me."

"Then you can make it up to me if you feel that bad." A wily smile twisted onto my face as his expression darkened in curiosity "How?"

It sounded like a sort of accusation but I kept my smile firmly in place as I answered "Cola and Red Vines."

"What?" he chuckled in mild shock, but with a shrug and a bit of my lip I explained "Oliver I've been locked up for seven years and guess what; soda and candy are not provided… I just want a little; my sweet tooth's kind of starving to death in here, living on scraps from the bakery. Please Oliver? Pretty please?"

I pout playfully in a way that I did as a child when I wanted something and with a flash of that toothy smile and a small shake of his head he answers "I'll see what I can do…"

It was only in the dayroom when I saw Lana again; speaking all hushed like to the new girl. Lana Winters, always so sneaky, so secretive. She moves to sit alone on the worn red sofa as I walk near her "care to share?"

Startled she gazes up at me when I gesture towards the burning stick in her hand, quickly she lights another with her own before handing to me, but as my fingers meet the filter the new girl breaks from her vow of silence to scream at Dr. Arden… the Nazi?

As they dragged her out I took a seat beside the other woman and smile with a quick drag "so, the new girl seems nice."

Lana smiles at my small joke and nods "yeah well I wouldn't be shocked if it was true."

"Wouldn't matter if it was… men light Arden have a survival streak, like cockroaches… I hate cockroaches." Again she laughs and I offer her my sweetest smile.

The reporter eyed me suspiciously before turning silent again and I cough "you're not sick."

"What?" her mud-pooled gaze finds mine as I shrug, slouching into the soft sofa as I explain "for liking women, you're not sick."

She eyes me curiously before asking with a twitch of her fingers, spilling ash on the floor "why do you say that?"

I know by the way her confident stare glitters that she's expecting me to confess some dark secret, tell her we're the same, but that would be a lie. So with a deep pull of my cigarette I reminisce "when I was nine I caught my mother kissing the house maid. She tried to explain it all to me, about society and love. I didn't quite understand it. I just knew Daisy made her happy… she made her _so_ happy."

Lana's lip twitched up at that as she turned completely towards me "your mother was a lesbian?"

"Yep, not that many people knew, not even after she died… she married my father out of fear, fear of what people would say and do, had Nate and I, content to spending the rest of her life just pretending to be happy. Oh, but those last few years with Daisy… it was like she was alive for the first time you know. She was always smiling, singing and laughing and Daisy did that." I smile at the memory as Lana observes me, watches my understanding and fond smile before I finish my smoke and turn to meet her gaze.

"You accepted her." I can't tell if it's a question or a statement but I laugh with a slight nod "of course I did, she was my mother and it's like she said 'there's no such thing as sinful love, because how can love be wrong when it's what we were created to do.'"

I watch the smile on her face soften and warm sincerely "She sounds like a very smart woman."

"Best there was… until she told my father she was leaving with Daisy, taking us with her. I found her dead in the study that Sunday." I felt my voice crack before I heard it, the quiver in my lip as her clammy hand touches mine tenderly.

I push down the feeling to shake her off as she stares at me with all the sympathy she could muster "Your father murdered your mother?"

"They said it was a break in gone bad, but I always knew it was never quite right. I just knew." I sit straight and face the woman before me as I speak in hushed tones "so you see Lana I know you're not sick, but this place will try to make you think you are, they'll push and punish because that's all they know how to do… who knows, might even make a great story one day."

She laughs with then as the whistle is blown, pill-popping o'clock, we stand and her expression makes me want to punch her, comprehension and compassion "thank you Bootsy… for sharing your story with me."

I wanted to flay the skin where she'd touched me but instead I smiled before lining up for the docile-zombie pills. Not thirty seconds later after downing her pills Lana stormed from the room with determination coursing from her, I didn't follow her, I'd ask later. Because even though sharing my mother's story with her crippled me I knew it had to be done, I had to form a connection… after all it's as they say, keep your friends close and your enemy's closer.

I was going to find out what Oliver saw in the little bitch and then tear it apart!

I was walking past the kitchen's to lunch when I saw Kit again but quickly he stormed off, leaving me to wonder what was going on in his pretty little head. I sat with Grace at dinner, waving Lana over when I saw her wondering eyes scanning the hall.

After a few minutes I look over the woman across from me with a far off look in her eye "Lana you've hardly touched your food…"

"I'm not hungry, besides Dr. Thredson said I should drink more water than actual food for our session." She says it like its nothing like it means nothing and the itch to see what her insides look like makes me growl quietly as grace asks curiously "Dr. Thredson? I thought he was here only for Kit."

"He is but he's helping me while he's able to." she said it with a fondness that I can't bear, how can she be fond of him, she doesn't even know him!

Swallowing down the mess this place called food I ask with an innocent tilt of my head "He's a good one, how is he helping you?"

It takes her a second to say it but as she does a shameful glint catches her eye "Conversion Therapy."

"What? That's ridiculous." Grace, finally someone with half a brain, mutters before I glare angrily "damn right it is. No one has the right to try and change you!"

She smiles to me again and every time she does I want to be sick "it's fine really."

"No Lana it's not. In fact I'm coming with you to this session, make sure they don't brain wash you." I knew it was a long shot, but I had to convince her I was her friend, someone she could trust and judging by the almost comforting look on her face I knew it was working.

After dinner Grace had wondered off back to the kitchen's, Sister Jude had her and Kit on a double, maybe that's why he was so grouchy earlier. I walked with Lana to Oliver's office, he seemed shocked to see me but smiled none the less "Lana, we're all set up if you'd like to start… Marilin, I'm afraid this is a closed session."

"This isn't right Oliver, you can't just do some hokum and expect her to stop liking women, it's demeaning and inhumane, not to mention just plain mean." His bushy brows shot up at my little outburst but in my mind it wasn't Lana I was defending, it was, Caroline, my mother.

Looking from Lana to me Oliver fiddles with his glasses "I'm just trying to help, Marilin please."

With a nod from Lana I give a heavy sigh and slump in defeat "fine, but for the record Mama would never have let them to this to her. You can't choose who you love." The last part forces my eyes to meet the dark gaze of the good doctors before I walk to the door "I'll be right outside."

I park myself on the cold, dirty floor across from the door as I wait, it's been half an hour when I saw them bringing Daniel down the hall, we've bumped into each other over the years of switching asylums, he likes hurting cats and birds and wasn't aloud outside much "hey Danny."

"Bootsy, hey." He hid behind the veil of his long hair with a touch of embarrassment as they opened the door and wondered why he was here, but the door closed just as quickly as it opened, however shortly after Daniel rushes out, tying his robe not quite quickly enough.

I can hear crying from the room, no sobbing as I stand to knock on the door, minding the orderly beside it as I ask "is everything ok?"

When the door opens I see Lana trying to compose herself as Oliver looks over, seemingly annoyed as Lana stands with puffy pink eyes "Everything's fine Bootsy, come on. Let's go."

I don't want to go, I want to stay, ask what happened and why Oliver seems none too pleased… who cares that Lana was crying, I told her she couldn't be changed.

We are who we are.

Later that night I heard what had happened with Kit and Grace in the day room, vultures where all gossiping merrily. I was already half way through the building when I realized I was running to a certain Doctor's office "You have to help them."

"Marilin, what are you doing here? Help who?" he stuttered, shuffling papers around on his desk as I closed the door and quickly moved to his side "Grace and Kit, did you hear what that evil bitch is going to do to them? Please Oliver, please you have to help."

"I'm sorry Marilin but there's nothing I can do." He said it so calmly, like I was talking about a broken doll or something.

I thought I might coke on my own saliva as my mouth dried "of course you can, you can talk to Sister Jude, make her see reason, go to the monsieur, do _something_!"

The crashing sound made me jump as he slammed a stack of files into his briefcase "why Marilin, why do you even care? Because of Kit, because of your obsession with your brother, why do you pretend to care?"

"I do care!" his done so firm and harsh it makes me bite the inside of my cheek.

With a huff in the air he scoffs "right, like you care about Lana, like today pretending to give a damn when really you hate her? Don't treat me like a fool Marilin."

"Your right, I don't care about Lana, today had nothing to do with her… It was for my mother, for you. But this isn't about that it's about _them_, their innocent." I can feel the tears biting for freedom as my shouts turn into a sob.

I watch him crumble ever so slightly as he sighs "their far from innocent, but I'll talk to Sister Jude only if you swear to me that this isn't about Nate."

"They are my friends, Oliver and in case you haven't noticed I don't really have them to spare." I feet a stray tear fall down my cheek and know I have him, the darkness in his stare fading to those amber chocolate swirls.

We don't move for a moment before I take his hand, rubbing small circles as I sob "Don't be mad at me, please baby."

I'd noticed how the word calmed him the few times before, how it had opened up a small window in the wall he built so tall. A small smile comes to his lips and it spreads like a warm knife through butter into my heart "I'm not mad… I just want to know why."

I take a timid step closer, I can smell him I'm so close but spit venomously "I just wanted to know what you saw in her, why she's so _special_."

My eyes flutter to a close as he brushes back my curls, fingers gently caressing my posy cheek "you're special to Marilin, you just… you have so many secrets."

Slowly my arms curl around his waist because I'm too small to reach his neck without my feet dangling from the floor "all you have to have to do is ask."

I knew I was crying, silently wishing I'd never fall from his arms, it was the safest I'd felt in years as he asks "what is your fixation on your brother?"

I knew it was a fair enough question for him to ask, the same as me asking about Lana I suppose. So with a heavy hearted breath I speak meekly into his shirt "Nate needs taking care of, always has… I took care of him."

It was that simple really but what I didn't expect as he pulled from my grip was the concern in those consuming coco pools "but who took care of you?"

"What?" the question made me still because it wasn't something anyone had asked before; it just wasn't the way of things.

He leans back for a moment to observe me in that doctor way he does "it seems to me that after your mother was killed you were just left, so alone that someone managed to… hurt you and I'm just wondering why they didn't take care of you. Why your own father couldn't protect you."

I could see it in his eyes, the suspicion as I laughed "it's just the way things wound up I guess."

"Marilin…"

"It wasn't his fault, he was drunk, high and angry and confused… he, he didn't know what he was doing." I stumbled slightly on my words; it's hard to think about, to talk about.

I couldn't bring myself to look at him as Oliver sighed like an answer he knew but didn't want to had just been shoved in his face "oh god, Marilin. Don't make excuses for him, what he did was monstrous, I mean he was your father he…"

"My father?" At his confused face I felt the tears try on my cheek as another load washed ashore "Oliver my father could barely hug me, let alone fuck me."

His face creases out with horror and disbelief as he murmurs "so who… god, Nate? Nate is the one who… he's Maebell's father?"

I bite until I tasted blood and sobbed "he didn't know what he was doing he just… he can't have… he's my big brother!"

Without another word I ran from Oliver's office and locked myself in my room, not even bothering to write in my precious journal as I wept myself to sleep, because you see it hurts so much to remember, but it wasn't his fault, he never meant to hurt me… Nate would never hurt me.

He loves me.

He loves me

He's never hurt me.

Never!

Would he?


End file.
